酷儿们

GENTLE PIANO MUSIC
BUZZ OF CHATTER
 ……
Douglas Fairbanks there thinks he's in with a chance.
道格拉斯•费尔班克斯觉得他有机会了。
A bit of company on a wet Friday night.
在潮湿的周五晚上有人陪了。
Except old Dougie doesn't have a cast in his eye and a built-up shoe.
但是老道格可没有那种眼神，也没双厚底鞋。
At least, not last time I was at the flickers.
至少，上一次视线相撞的时候我没看到。
It's always the eyes.
总是靠眼神，
That's how you know.
靠眼神就能知道。
A glance held just that little bit too long,
那一瞥延续了有点长，
dragged off to one side, like the trail of a Very light in the dark.
然后才转向另一侧，像是黑夜里划过一束光。
After the do, the, um, interview...
一般程序过后，到了单独提审，
..the officer asks me, not unkindly, I must say, "So how do you chaps,
那个军官问我（还算友好，我得承认），“像你，
"chaps like you and the captain, know one another?"
你和上尉这种人，怎么认识的？”
So I told him.
于是我就告诉他。
Not my words, something somebody said to me once.
——不是用我自己的话，是曾有人对我说过的句子——
"A certain liquidity of the eye."
“一瞬流光的眼神。”
That's how HE knew.
他，就是这样知道的。


My eyes are bad, mind you.
告诉你，那时候我的视力很差，
Too bad for shooting Prussians at any rate,
差到无论如何都射不中普鲁士人。
so I was shunted onto hospital work.
因此我被派去医院工作。
"Cushy", says Sam.
“轻松的活啊。”山姆说，
"That's a charabanc holiday, Perce.
“简直是观光度假啊，佩尔斯。”
"You always wanted to see France, didn't you?"
“你一直想去看看法国，对吧？”
I remember my first day in resus - the resuscitation tent.
我记得在复营——复苏营的第一天，
That's where they take the dying or the nearly dying
那是他们安置死去或者将死的人，
and the shocked ones.
还有受创者的地方。
There's heated beds to put some life back into them, and transfusions.
那儿有温暖的床铺给他们些活着的感觉，还有输液。
Our guns were going hell for leather.
我们的枪一通扫射，
The sky was all lit up - powdery, green.
整片天空都被点亮了——粉末到处飞，看到的全是绿色，
Horrible green.
可怕的绿色。
Like the air was sick.
好像空气病了。
Star shells, Verys, dumps going up.
照明弹，信号弹和垃圾都炸飞了。
And then the ambulances come in and we have to ferry them in,
然后救护车来了，我们得抬他们进去，
the ones that can't walk.
车里不能走路的那些人。
And they've got these labels on them
他们身上都贴了标签，
that tell you what's wrong with them.
上面写着他们有什么毛病。
Like left luggage.
好像在寄存行李一样。
Have you ever carried a stretcher?
你抬过担架吗？
Bloody horrible.
简直太吓人了，
You feel like your arms are going to pop out of their sockets.
感觉手臂要脱臼了一样。
Some chaps can get very heavy.
有些人就是特别重。
Those that can walk into the hospital...
那些能走进医院的人
..are covered in mud and salt sweat.
浑身都是泥巴和汗
Caked in it.
全粘在上面，
All stiff and cracked, like moving statues,
他们都身体僵硬，又有骨折，像是会动的雕像，
like those poor fuckers in Pompeii what got covered in lava.
像是庞贝城里被岩浆掩埋的可怜人。
I've seen photographs of them in the lending library.
我在图书馆看过拍他们的照片。
And then, in the resus tent, a thing you'd never expect.
在复苏营里，有一样东西你绝对猜不到——
Silence.
寂静。
Not a moan or a groan.
没有一声抱怨或呻吟，
They're beyond all that, I suppose, most of them.
他们大多数人的痛苦已经超过这种程度了吧，我猜。
Smoking, breathing, just about.
抽烟，喘息，就只有这些。
Mind you, I've seen what a transfusion can do
不过，我见过输液的功效，
and it is a bloody miracle.
简直是奇迹。
Lads with one foot in the grave and their pulses all thready,
那些脉搏微弱，一只脚都踏进坟墓的人，
they have the transfusion, they're up, they're joking,
一经输液，就能站起来，还能开玩笑，
they're having a smoke in a couple of hours.
几小时后还能抽上烟。
I said to Captain Leslie, I said, "You wouldn't credit it, would you?
我对莱斯利上尉说，我说：“你不会相信的，是吧？”
"It's like... It's like witchcraft."
“那就像，就像是巫术。”
"Sounds about right", he says,
“听起来很好，”他说，
"since we're in hell."
“既然我们都在地狱里。”
But he says it with a smile and when he does that
但他是笑着说的，当他笑着的时候，
there's these creases in his cheeks like ripples in the sand.
脸颊上的皱纹就像沙漠里的涟漪。
"You're a credit to this unit, Percy", he says to me.
“你让这个小队有了保障，佩尔斯”，他跟我说，
"You've all the tenderness of a woman."
“你有着女人一样的细心。”
And he shakes my hand.
接着他握了我的手。
"It's Terrence," he says and I says, "What is?"
“泰伦斯，”他说，我没反应过来：“什么？”
He says, "Me.
他说，“我，
"My name. Terence Lesley.
“我的名字，泰伦斯•莱斯利，
"Do call me Terence.
“就叫我泰伦斯，
"I can't bear all this formal rot."
“我受不了太正式。”
But he's an officer and it don't seem right, so,
但他是个长官，这样似乎不太好，所以
"I'll stick to Captain Leslie," I say, "if it's all the same."
“我还是叫你莱斯利上尉吧，”我说，“反正都是一样的。”
He just smiles again and shrugs.
他又微笑了接着耸了耸肩。
And his eyelashes are long.
他的睫毛很长，
Long and blonde.
长，而且是金黄色。
I can't see much of his hair cos it's under his cap,
我不能看到他太多头发，因为他戴了帽子。
but then one day I'm bringing in a stretcher...
但有一天，我正在搬着担架，
..and he takes his hat off and, just like that, his hair tumbles out.
看到他脱下帽子，他的头发就那样露出来，
Yellow as corn.
玉米一样的金黄色。
And I must have stared because he grins at me
我当时一定是盯着他的，因为他朝我咧嘴笑了，
and pushes his hair out of his eyes and says,
然后他拨开眼睛前的头发对我说：
"Come along, Perce, ."
“快点，佩尔斯，赶紧跟上。”
But I don't move.
但我没动，
And just for a bit...
就一会儿……
Well, like I say, held just a...
像我说的，就是，
just a moment too long.
就是很长的一会儿。
Douglas Fairbanks over there will give me a wink in a minute.
道格拉斯•费尔班克斯一会儿就要给我使眼色了。
There you go.
来了。
HE SIGHS KNOWINGLY


I've always been a skinny bugger, me.
我一直是个瘦弱的家伙，
Thin as a whip, Mother says.
我妈说我瘦得像根鞭子，
Father was the same.
爸爸也是这样。
Mother always had a bit more beef on her after she had Albert and me,
生下我和阿尔伯特在之后，妈总是随身带着点牛肉，
and there was one before us.
在我俩之前还有一个，
A boy.
一个男孩。
But he died.
但他没活下来。
He was called Percy, an' all.
他也叫佩尔斯。
Poison berries. Never think a thing like that can happen, but it does.
是浆果中毒。从没想过会发生这种事，但就是发生了。
I can remember Mother showing me the pictures in the medicine book,
我还记得妈妈给我看医书上的图片，
all shiny and glossy pictures like Jesus in the book at Sunday School.
所有的图都闪闪发亮，像主日学校课本里面的耶稣。
And little Percy had grabbed a handful of these berries and...
小佩尔斯抓了一把浆果吃然后……
..that was that.
就那样了。
Box, I think, the berries.
一盒，我觉得，应该是一盒浆果，
Black, like little bullets.
黑色的，像小小子弹，
Like liquorice sweeties.
像甘草糖。
Maybe that's what little Percy thought they was.
也许小佩尔斯以为就是那些东西。
Anyway, they done for him and then, a year or so after that,
总之，他们料理完他的后事，大概一年时间吧，
along comes I and they call me Percy, too.
我出生了，他们也叫我佩尔斯。
A bit odd, some might say, a bit morbid,
有点奇怪，有的人可能觉得病态，
but Mother always said that she could see him in me.
但母亲总是说她能在我身上看到他。
And she looks so funny when she says that to me...
她对我说那些的时候看起来有些奇怪，
..and she looks so sad.
也有些悲伤。
But I don't think it's just because of little Percy because there was
着不仅是因为小佩尔斯，而是因为
another time she looked at me the same way.
她又一次用同样的方式看我。
It was freezing, I remember that.
当时很冷，我记得，
We was waiting for a train.
我们在等火车，
Dad had some business in Reading, I forget what it was.
爸爸要去雷丁谈生意，我忘了什么生意，
We were to come with and make a day of it.
我们一起去一整天。
I was 15, thereabouts.
我大概十五岁，
Albert was 12. I'd been dispatched in search of tea and buns.
阿尔伯特十二岁。我被叫去买茶和面包。
They all sat in the waiting room, steam coming off them like wet dogs.
他们都坐在候车室里，不停地呼气，像热坏了的狗。
Anyway, I'm on my way to the refreshments
总之，我在去买茶点的路上。
and there's a commotion, so I think, "Oh, the train must be coming in,"
突然有一阵骚动，我想着“啊，肯定是火车要来了”
so I say to the girl behind the tea stall,
所以我对茶摊后的女孩说，
pretty girl I remember with bows in her hair,
我记得她很漂亮，头发上绑着蝴蝶结。
I ask her to get a shift on.
我让她快点给我泡茶。
She says, "What's the hurry? The Reading train isn't in for another
她说：“急什么？去雷丁的那趟在一刻钟之内不会来的。”
"quarter of an hour." So I think, "What's all the fuss about, then?"
所以我想，“那些人都在大惊小怪些什么？”
And then I see it ahead of me on the platform.
然后我看见就在我前面的站台上
Policemen, at least I think they're policemen,
有一群警察，至少我觉得是警察，
but then I look properly and they're not, they're from the jail.
但我仔细看了之后发现，不是，他们是从监狱里来的！
Dark uniforms, little hats with shiny brims.
全黑的制服，帽檐闪亮。
And between them,
在他们之间，
well, a...a prisoner...
有一个，嗯，囚犯
..waiting to be taken away, I suppose.
应该是等着被带走。
And it's not the first time I've seen as such.
我不是第一次见这种场景，
I used to see them a lot, poor bastards,
我见过很多次，可怜虫们，
shuffling along in their chains and the arrows on their clothes.
带着锁链拖着腿走路，衣服上面还有小尖刺。
And it's rough clobber, like to make you itch, worse than this.
那种东西粗糙得很，让你感觉很痒，比我的衣服还糙。
So, "Why are all these folk whispering and pointing?" I wonder.
我很奇怪：“为什么这些人都在咬着耳朵指指点点？”
So I look at the chap in the chains and he's a big chap,
于是我看向被铐起来的那家伙，他块头很大。
sort of like a big bear of a fella.
像头熊一样壮实，
With a big slack, pouchy face.
还有这一张松弛的下垂的大脸。
Fat-ish, except it's all sunk in now,
有点胖，只是都陷下去了。
and his hair, which was most likely black as your hat
而他的头发，以前可能和你的帽子一样黑，
is now shot through with grey.
现在却夹杂着灰色。
And he looks wretched.
他看起来很不好。
As well he might. There's rain dripping off his hair
不过也难怪，雨水从他的头发上滴落，
and down the creases in his big face.
顺着脸上的褶皱流下来。
And then I realise, it's not just rain, he's bloody crying.
突然我意识到，那不仅是雨水，他在哭啊！
And then he looks at me.
然后他看向我，
And there it was.
就是那样，
In that moment...
在那一瞬间，
..a certain liquidity of the eye.
……一瞬流光的眼神。
And then he looks back down at his boots...
然后他低头去看他的靴子，
and it's as if the whole world has come tumbling down around him.
就好像他周围的世界全都崩塌了。
I stand there.
我站在那，
And I think,
我想，
"He knows me.
“他知道我了，
"He knows me for what I am.
“他知道我本来的样子了，
"He can see it in me."
“他能看穿我。”
And I start to shake.
我开始发抖，
And it's not from the cold, it's shame.
不是因为冷，而是羞耻，
And fear and...
害怕，
..terror.
还有恐怖。
And someone starts laughing.
人群开始大笑，
And there's a little girl and she's wandered close to the prisoner.
一个小女孩，她走近囚犯，
She's got a little wooden horse on a dirty bit of string.
她用一根脏兮兮的线牵着一只小木马。
And then her mother goes up and drags the girl away from the man
他的母亲走上前去一把将小女孩从囚犯身边拉回去，
as if he were like to eat her up.
好像他会吃了她似的。
And then I hear it, a name.
然后我听到了，一个名字，
Whispered behind fancy gloves
是从那些精致的手套，
and November hands what are stiff with cold.
和十一月里冻僵了的手后面传来的低语，
"It's him, isn't it?"
“就是他，是吧？”
And suddenly Dad's beside me and he's gripping my arm and he says,
忽然爸爸从身后抓住我的手臂，说，
"You all right, Perce?"
“没事吧，佩尔斯？”
And he's proper worried.
他很担心。
And there's a sort of ringing noise in my ear and I feel for a moment
那时我的耳朵里全是蜂鸣声，有一瞬间我感觉
like I might faint, but then this chap goes straight up
我可能要晕过去了，然后有人径直走向了
to the prisoner on the platform and he...
站台上那个囚犯，然后
He spits in his face.
朝囚犯的脸上吐口水。
And Dad looked shocked.
爸爸很震惊，
And just then, the train comes puffing into the station,
就这时候，火车进站了，
steam everywhere.
到处都是蒸汽。
And I look back to the prisoner,
我回头看那个囚犯，
but he's covered now in a great big cloud of steam.
但他被一团蒸汽笼罩着。
Dad picks up the tea and the buns and he gets us into the carriage.
爸爸拿起茶和面包带我们走进了车厢。
It smells of damp wool and musty, like church,
那里面有种湿羊毛和发霉的味道，就像教堂里一样。
and there's little beads of rain on the window, the open window.
打开的窗户上有些小水珠，
And Mum pulls down the leather strap and the sound sort of...
妈妈拉下皮绳，那种声音
..snaps me out of it.
把我拉回了现实。
"What was all that fuss about there, Clem?"
“那里在吵嚷些什么，克莱姆？”
And Dad sups at his tea and it hangs in little drops from the ends of his
爸爸啜着茶，有几滴顺着他的胡子流下来。
Kitchener 'tashe. "You won't believe it," he says.
“你不会相信的，”他说，
"Out there on the platform, waiting to be taken to prison..."
“就在外面的站台上，有个人等着被带到监狱去……”
"Who?" pipes up Albert.
“谁啊”，阿尔伯特问。
And he looks at us and he shakes his head in wonder.
他看着我们，纳闷地摇着头，
"Oscar Wilde!" he says.
“奥斯卡•王尔德！”他说。
And then Mum looks at me.
然后妈妈看着我，
Tender, like...
很温柔地，像是……
I've never had the nerve.
我从没敢告诉她。
That's the thing, I suppose.
这才是关键。
A notion of getting in trouble or being a bother...
一想到会惹上麻烦或者成为累赘，
I could always imagine Mother's face
我就总是想到
if she found out I'd been up to things.
如果妈妈知道了我到底是什么人时的脸色。
And I couldn't bear it, I couldn't bear to disappoint, so
我受不了这样，我不想让她失望，所以，
I didn't, I didn't do anything about it.
我没说，我什么都没做过。
Not even a tuppeny wank with Sam or nothing.
连给山姆打飞机都没有。
I kept my own counsel, as they say.
我有自己的想法，就像他们说的。
Also, there was a girl who was sweet on me.
而且，有个姑娘曾经喜欢我。
Annie.
安妮。
And that sort of stopped people asking, I suppose.
那应该能平息那些风言风语，
We courted for a long while,
我们在一起很长时间，
but she got fed up because I never asked her to marry me.
但我一直没求婚，所以她受够了，
I took on like Annie had broke my heart and then,
我对外的说法是安妮伤了我的心，
what with one thing or another and then the war, it sort of, somehow,
然后事情一件接着一件，战争又来了，然后，不知怎么的，
I got away with it. A lot of questions, of course.
我就摆脱了这件事。当然啦，还是有很多问题，
Especially when all us Tommies were billeted together
特别是所有英军士兵第一次被安排住处时。
for the first time. "You married?" "No."
“你结婚了吗？”“没有。”
"You got a girl?" "Well, I used to."
“有女朋友吗？”“嗯，以前有。”
And then one day, in Amiens, there was a sort of lull.
有一天，我们在亚眠停休，
Hot as hell it was.
天气热得要死，
Not what you think. People think of all that mud and rain,
不是你们想的那些，人们总是想着泥浆和雨水，
but we was there the live long year
但是我们在那儿待了一年，
and sometimes it was hot and parched.
有时候又热又干，
Fucking flies everywhere.
该死的蚊子到处都是。
Blue and green bellies on them. Fat.
它们的肚子又蓝又绿，而且很大。
Great clouds of them because of the dead bodies.
它们成群结队地围绕尸体。
And Captain Leslie comes up to me
莱斯利上尉来找我，
and he slaps me on the shoulder and he says,
轻拍我的肩说，
"Come along, Perce, we're going hunting."
“来吧，佩尔斯，我们去打猎。”
And I say, "What?" He says, "Butterflies",
我说：“什么？”他回答，“捉蝴蝶。”
because we're camped on this sort of downland.
因为我们驻扎在一片丘陵上，
And there's marigolds and poppies all over, little splashes of colour.
到处都是金盏花和罂粟花，五彩的斑点。
I can still taste the dust.
我至今还能感受到那尘土的味道，
Chalky in your mouth and your hair and...
在你的嘴巴里，头发上，
..on the Dunlop tyres like white paint,
还有邓禄普轮胎上面，像是刷了白色的漆。
because Terrence had only gone and got us bicycles, the silly bugger.
因为泰伦斯去给我们弄了辆自行车，那个蠢货。
And it was only for a few hours
去那儿只花了几个小时，
but you could forget, you know, for a bit,
但是你能暂时地忘掉，你知道的，
everything that was going on.
周围所有的事情。
And we came to this sort of lake.
我们来到了一个像是湖边的地方。
It was a crater hole, I suppose,
应该是陨石坑，我觉得，
and the water was glass green and clear like a perfume bottle.
水面碧绿纯净，像个香水瓶子。
And Terence, he starts hollering and rattling the bike down to the water
泰伦斯一边叫着，一边踩着单车朝水边冲去，
and he pulls off all his clothes and in he goes.
他脱掉了所有衣服跳了进去，
I follows, and then we go splashing about in our birthday suits.
我也跳了进去，我们像孩子一样赤裸着在水里打闹，
And he's brick red from the sunshine,
他的皮肤在太阳照耀下变成砖红色，
but not where his shirt's been,
但他穿过衣服的地方没有，
so he's got this sort of red face and arms, and the rest of him is...
所以他的脸和手臂是红的，其余的部分，
He's like a ghost.
白得像鬼一样。
And after we've swum about,
我们游了一会儿，
we just lie in the grass and fall asleep.
就在草坪上睡着了。
You can hear the buzz of the flies, but they are way off
能听到苍蝇的嗡嗡声，但它们离得很远，
and some of the ones that are closer are butterflies,
离得近的是蝴蝶，
so that's all right, and I just...
所以没关系，我就……
..lie there and I watch Terence sleeping and...
躺在那儿，看着泰伦斯睡觉，
..his Adam's apple bobbing up and down.
他的喉结上下起伏，
And his hair is golden.
他的头发金灿灿的，
And the line of his jaw is just sort of...
他下巴的弧度简直是……
..perfect.
完美 。
Like a draughtsman's drawn it.
像是画家画出来的，
Like I'd drawn it.
像是我画出来的。
And his lips are dark and full and they're like bramble.
他的唇色很深，嘴唇饱满，像黑莓一样，
And all I want to do is bend down and...
我想做的只是弯下腰……
And he opens his eyes...
然后他睁开眼睛，
..and squints.
微微眯起，
And he lifts his hand to cover them so he can see better.
他抬手遮住阳光好看得清楚。
And he says, "We'd best be getting back."
他这时说，“我们该回去了。”
We all had on us the stench of death.
我们浑身恶臭，
The bread we ate, the stagnant water,
吃的面包，喝的死水，
everything we touched had a rotten smell.
一切都散发着腐烂的味道。
But that day, everything was OK.
只有那一天，所有事情都很美好。
It was bright.
很明亮
And it was pure, you see?
很纯净，你知道吗？
And nobody had seen, had they?
没人看见，不是吗？


I've done my bit.
我做了我分内的事情，
The officer mentioned that.
那个军官提到了那个，
Exemplary service.
“杰出的服役”
When he took me aside for a quiet word.
当他拉我到一旁谈话的时候。
And of course, what had Terence and me...
当然了，泰伦斯和我，
What had the Captain and me...
上尉和我，
..got up to?
走到哪一步了？
Sweet FA.
什么都没有。
But someone had seen us and...
但有人看到了我们，
..they thought, "Hello, what's going on here?"
他们想着，“哦，这儿有些什么？”
And it's bad for morale and all of that, so I was to be sent elsewhere.
这简直有伤风化之类的，所以我要被调到别处去了，
And, of course, I didn't get to see the Captain, did I?
哦，当然了，我没能见一面上尉，
Because he'd been transferred, too.
因为他也被调走了，
I was packed onto this carriage...
我被塞上这节车厢，
..sweat and tobacco smelling and fellas pushing up against you
满是汗水和烟草的味道，人群推推挤挤
and shoving for room, and the train gives a great big lurch
就为了抢到一点点空间，突然这列火车猛地抖了一下，
and then it starts off.
然后就开动了。
I just sit down on the floor and pull me cap over me eyes
我就坐在地板上，用帽子遮住眼睛，
and drift off.
迷迷糊糊地睡着。
I don't know how much time has passed, but...
我不知道过去了多久，
I wake up and it's dark outside.
但当我醒来的时候外边是黑的。
And the train's pulling into a station
火车进站了。
and in the carriage it's just these little night lights on - bluey.
在车厢里只有夜灯零星的蓝光，
They make everyone look three-parts dead.
让每个人都看起来像被截成了三段。
And the train pulls into the station
然后火车进站，
and it's going slow, like, puffing,
开始减速，像在喷气
like some of them boys in the resus tent.
像在复苏营里的士兵们。
And then, I do see him.
突然，我看到了他，的的确确是他，
Terence.
泰伦斯。
He's out the window, on the platform.
就在车窗外面，在站台上。
Grey coat, hair tucked under his cap, neat.
灰色外套，头发收在帽子里，干干净净。
And he's talking to someone.
他在跟某人说话，
And they must have made him laugh
他们让他笑了，
cos there's those little lines in his cheeks again.
因为他的脸上又浮现出褶皱。
But he don't see me.
但他没看到我。
So I push through the carriage past the other fellas
所以我挤过车厢，穿过人群，
and it's not easy now cos most have dropped off
那并不简单，因为很多人都还没醒。
and I trip over some poor bugger and he curses me,
我被某个家伙绊倒了他还骂我。
but I make it to the window and I pull down the sash...
但我走到了床边，拉下框格，
..and the air outside is warm.
窗外的空气很暖和。
And all I want to do is wave.
我想做的就只有挥手。
But, of course, what can I say?
当然了，我还能说什么？
Um...
嗯 ……
"So long, Captain Leslie?"
“再见，莱斯利上尉？”
"So long, Perce."
“再见，佩尔斯。”
But then he does see me.
但之后他也看到我了，
He glances over,
扫了一眼，
but he's still talking to his pal
但仍在和他的伙伴聊天。
and just then the train lurches forward.
突然见，火车向前一抖。
The brakes go on and the blue lights go out
开始制动，蓝光熄灭了，
and just like that, pitch-black.
一下子一片漆黑。
And all the other fellas in the carriage start groaning
整个车厢的人都开始抱怨，
and someone says, "Oh, here we fucking go,"
有人说：“他妈的灯又灭了。”
but all I can feel is my heart beating and the air.
但我能感到的就只有心跳和空气，
And the darkness pressing against the window
还有紧贴在车窗上的黑暗。
and my hand gripping the window ledge.
我的手紧抓着窗台。
And then someone takes my hand.
然后有人握住我的手，
Someone outside on the platform.
窗户外面站台之上的某人，
And it's Terence.
我知道，是泰伦斯。
And he takes my hand and he just...
他握着我的手，
..lifts it to his lips and he kisses it.
抬到嘴唇边上，然后轻轻吻了一下。
There's no train then, there's no troops, there's no war.
没有火车，没有军队，也没有战争。
There's just his bramble lips
只有他黑莓般的嘴唇，
pressed against the tips of my fingers...
紧贴在我的手指上。
..and all the hair on my neck goes up on end.
我脖子上的汗毛都竖起来了。
And then the train lurches forward
然后火车又向前抖动了一下，
and he's let go of my hand and all the blue lights go on, and...
他放开了我的手，所有的蓝色光又亮了起来。
Outside there's nothing but steam.
窗外只有蒸汽，
Steam and darkness.
蒸汽和黑暗。

初看完这部腐国带着回顾自己国家百年来酷儿在各个重要节点的生存状态的剧，倍感兴奋与惊讶。一直以来，英国在戏剧方面厚重的历史传统使得这个国家在表现任何议题的时候都不会让人失望，近些年来每一部制作精良的反应性少数群体的剧都无不带着先锋性和血脉喷张式的颠覆性，来挑战权威话语，来讴歌多样，来讽刺老旧，来鼓励创新。

《酷儿们》是部充分吸收传统后极具实验性光芒的、富有政治性议程的剧。独白，这一在各种戏剧中都会用到但在极少情况下才会大面积使用的形式，却为这部剧、为酷儿们完成了极具生命力的呈现。回顾莎翁的戏剧，独白总会在人物面临道德选择与人性矛盾挣扎的时候登场，灯光昏暗，时间静止，人物直接与自己对话，与观众对话——拷问，纠结，惶恐，畏惧，癫狂，无奈——独白用着最朴素的形式与装束，担负着最有感染力与表现力的使命：在麦克白杀害生灵后对人生的无意义进行反思时，在李尔王面临众亲抛弃颠沛流离时，在理查三世因为自己的畸形而被嫌弃表现自己的愤恨与不得志时，在苔丝狄蒙娜为女性的地位深感不公时，独白便上场了，一整段的心理倾诉与告白，裹挟着汹涌的穿透力与共情力，让观众看到了独白者多面的内心世界，有时还会呈现出与这些角色之前舞台上的通过动作和其他对话所表现出的性格特征所不太相同的心理活动。

是的，我想《酷儿们》敢于使用如此简单质朴却又富有力量的形式，在某种程度上是因为独白在表现复杂人性方面的优势：就像听一个老朋友对于一段感情的描述，就像一个在听陌生人将他身上的幸与不幸，也就像在听我们自己的现在、过去亦或是未来。在接受这样的独白时，我们或者开门见山，或者迂回萦绕，不需要剧情的推动，不需要特效的辅助，不需要配乐的升华。我们所接受的，只有文字和分享所带来的感染力。这样的面对面，虽然在这样的时代容易被理解成无聊，但总保留着一份难得的真诚与贴近。所以，这八个人的讲述中，除了带有点醒主题式的语言外，我觉得最有感染力的部分便是他们对于生活和感情中细节的回忆与描述。这样的感染力，通过镜头语言当然可以完成，但这样面对面式的独白，完成的是人与人之间最简单也是最重要的一种沟通形式。这种形式，提供了进一步理解的通道。酷儿们的生活，才会得到更温情的展现。

是的，独白可以在某种程度上更好地体现人的复杂性，但我们在倾听他人讲故事的时候，永远不是被动接受，也永远不可能全盘接受，而是在这样的倾诉与接收之间，告知与被告知之间，灰色地带总会存在——他说的是真话吗？我一定要相信他吗？他在讲这些事情的时候，主观的角度是否让他变得偏激与不实？他所流的泪是否是真的？他的倾盆而出又有何目的？换句话，任何讲述者都或多或少带着一些“不可靠性”。

我想，写到这里，有些人或许会讲，独白的真诚与“不可靠性”，这样的矛盾岂不是在削弱着这部剧的艺术性？我的理解是，正是由于独白自身的矛盾性，这部剧才更加适合体现那一个个矛盾的“酷儿们”。就像这部剧第三集小狼的叙述一样，酷儿们在文艺作品的展现实在容易被“程式化”、“固态化”、“政治正确化”，类似的情节，类似的人物安排，类似的角色命运使得“酷儿们”这一特殊的群体在某些时候总以一个特定的面呈现出来。反而那些留守在话语中心的人，非酷儿们，“主流”人士们，却不断地在用新手法、新情景、新情节、新性格来展现。记得《卫报》在点评前几年的性少数戏剧《香蕉》、《黄瓜》和《豆腐》时，也总在强调我们需要更多gay drama的必要性——只有更多，才能有更丰富的角色塑造的可能；只有直面问题，才能有解决问题的可能。因而，在某种程度上，“独白”也是在为酷儿们争取一个站在中心当作讲述者的位置，在这个位置上，人性的复杂可以得到更加淋漓尽致的体现，酷儿们也可以有机会变得自相矛盾。而这样的自相矛盾，不正是一种有血有肉，不正是一种你我共有的存在体征吗

那当我们谈论酷儿的时候，我们到底在谈论些什么？

我们在讨论酷儿们在文艺作品中的展现需要多样化（所以本部剧先锋性了用了独白的形式来丰富酷儿们的呈现），我们在讨论性取向与阶级、种族、国籍、性别等各个变量之间的互动关系（所以我们在本部剧里看到了不同的年龄、性别、种族、阶级的讲述者），我们在讨论酷儿们的平权历史，我们在讨论酷儿们首先作为一个鲜活、也有弱点、也有偏颇、也会傲娇、也会无力与恐惧的人会是什么样子……

这样的讨论，没有终结。也不该有终结。所以，我们在看这部剧的时候，会时常感到困惑与不解，似乎没有一个清晰的主线，似乎没有一个十分明亮的信息，似乎没有一个主旋律。

因为酷儿理论的代表人物Judith Butler曾在性别麻烦一书中用非常哲学化的语言说过，当不合此时常规的性别特征和呈现被操演许多次时，不合常规与合常规的界限便已经开始模糊化，人们就会发现所谓的“常规”只是一种幻想式的存在，没有实质性的存在。因而，《酷儿们》这部剧所想要实现的讨论，我觉得是带着“永不清晰”、“永不终结”的美感的。只有这样永不停息的操演与讨论，常规才会开始失去压抑的力量。平权才会有实现的可能。

所以，回到《酷儿们》这部剧，它就是在用一种先锋式的手段完成着一次属于酷儿们的“操演”，在当下强调大制作、大画面、大冲突的文艺作品制作理念下，它用朴实的独白将观众带回英国典雅的酒吧里，静静地，听那些人，微微醉着，讲属于他们自己的故事。

ps.题外话。其实看完这部剧，内心得到的慰藉很大。这个剧表现了英国这个国家用了一个世纪所实现的东西，其实在侧面也在讲述，任何权利的实现，都不是一蹴而就的。这需要许多人流泪流血甚至付出生命。回看中国，我们似乎仍然经历得有些少。这条路对于我们真的还很长，但我觉得没关系，我相信在未来的某个日子，也会有像《酷儿们》这样的剧，讲述着我们这代人的故事。这样一想，真的宽慰了不少。